Friday, December 13, 2013

I'm Never Kidding When I Say Ridiculous Things Happen to Me

I am in some serious pain right now. I'm fairly certain this all stems from when I fell a few months ago. In another life, I'm am positive my name must have been Grace, because in this life, I am anything but.

I'm sure you are wondering how I fell. Well, my mom, middle brother, and I decided to go out to brunch and head to Target one Sunday morning back in August. All of that sounds like a killer day, right? Well, it totally would have been, had I not been blinded by the pretty red shoes in Target.

Two things I can't ever pass by without looking at: shoes and nail polish. So, after checking out all of the nail polish, I headed straight over to the shoe department, even though I really had to go to the bathroom. I forgot all about everything else as soon as I saw that fateful pair of gorgeous, patent leather, ruby red pumps.

The heels were only probably about three inches, so I was confident that I could wear them with no problem. As much as I love shoes, especially heels, I can't walk in them. It's sort of like when people buy a white couch, then don't ever let anyone sit on it. I buy pretty shoes I can't walk anywhere in, so I just have them on display in my closet, or walk around in them in my underwear in my bedroom.

As soon as I put them on, I knew they are meant for me. They are so comfortable and fit my foot beautifully. Naturally, I start to strut down the shoe aisle, putting on my best Tyra face, because I am werking these shoes.

As I turn to come back, I imagine myself do the Miss America wave, because that's obviously what people do while they wear amazing shoes. The next thing I know, in slow motion, I feel one of my ankles roll, and I'm thrown off balance. I do my best to correct myself, but, it's too late. I fall like a ton of bricks against one of the shoe racks, obviously no longer looking as fierce as I assumed I did, just a few seconds prior.

I quickly look around to make sure no one had seen me, and there wasn't a single soul around, so I was in the clear there. However, my ankles and calf were already killing me. I tentatively pushed up my pant leg, only to see bruising quickly appearing where my body slammed into the shoe rack. Let me tell you, I know how do it up pretty good.

Just then, my mom sent me a text to find out where I was since she hadn't seen me since we walked into the store. I hobbled over to where her and my brother were, and they knew immediately something had happened because of the way I was walking. Given my track record, they were anything but surprised to learn that I had fallen.

Since my urge to shop had shattered, along with my pride when I fell, I finally headed to the bathroom. I needed a few minutes to sit and compose myself. My ankles were killing me and I actually felt a little lightheaded from the pain. Because I was too focused on the pain in my ankles and from the developing bruises, I initially ignored how weird my pants felt. I sort of felt like I was wearing a diaper, but I had yoga pants on, so that didn't quite make sense. Just as I got to the bathroom, the horrifying realization hit me.

When I fell...I...sharted. I actually, quite literally, pooped my pants. I've heard about people in accidents losing control of their bodily functions, but how in the hell did that just happened to me?! Are you serious?!

Since I can't ever remember pooping my pants, I'm assuming it's been a good 27 years since it has happened. Here I am, newly 30, and sitting it a Target bathroom with pooped pants; I've clearly got my life together. Thank God no one noticed on my way there. I hurriedly text my mom.

Me: Did my pants look weird when you saw me?!
Mom: What?
Mom: You're not making any sense. I don't know what you're talking about. Where are you?
Me: I'm in the bathroom. I pooped my pants when I fell.
Me: Yes, I did. Please buy me a new pair of pants and bring them to me. This is an emergency.

Within minutes, I had new pants and we were on our way home. Once I had clean pants on, I realized how ridiculously funny this was, and my mom, brother, and I laughed about it the whole way home. My brother, thinking he is oh so funny, will still periodically say to me, "Hey, remember that time you shit your pants in Target?"

I'm sure some of you are wondering why in the hell I am sharing this. Before now, only my mom and my brother knew; I hadn't even told my best friends. I don't take myself seriously at all, so, why not let you all have a good laugh at my expense?

After my fall, I was in so much pain, I went to urgent care the next day and was diagnosed with a high-ankle both ankles, in addition to the bright purple bruises I had on my legs. Yep, I'm really good at injuring myself.

My ankles have since healed, but lately, I've been have a lot of pain in my lower back. I was at the point earlier this week where it hurts to roll over in bed, and when I try to get up out of a chair, I look like a 97-year old woman. I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I called my chiropractor.

At my appointment on Wednesday, he told me that when I fell, I appear to have knocked a vertebrae in my lower-back out of alignment. An injury like that doesn't always hurt immediately, and in my case, it didn't. However, over time, to compensate for the misalignment and protect the injury, the area around my spine has become swollen, which is compressing the muscles and possibly pinching a nerve or two. So, I have to go to the chiropractor three days a week for at least the remainder of the month, sit in hard chairs, and have ice on my back for 20 minutes at a time whenever possible.

Is it possible to sue a pair of shoes? If so, I need to look into it. Because of those shoes, I pooped my pants, got two sprained ankles, and now have a jacked-up back. Unbelievable.

As you can see, I didn't choose the "follies" part of my blog's name only because it's cutsie and alliterative; my life really is just one big folly.

Have a great weekend, friends! Hopefully I'll be noticeably better by Monday.


  1. Oh, dear! I just had a conversation with someone at work about the Victoria's Secret models strutting in their high, high heels. I doubt I could even stand up in those shoes, let alone walk (stagger, stumble). Take care of yourself and get better soon! :) <(")

    1. Thank you! I am finally starting to feel like I am on the mend.

  2. I'm laughing with you, not at you I promise! There is a running joke in my family that I should have a helmet with me at all times! Hope your back feels better soon!

    1. I'm really good at injuring myself (unintentionally), and my family thinks it's so hilarious/tragic.

      My back is feeling better, thankfully.

  3. Oh my gosh I can't believe you crapped your pants! I did that once except I was driving and I thought it was just going to be gas but it wasn't! Thankfully I was less than a mile from my house but it still wasn't very much fun!