Then and Now

Since Facebook turned 10 this week, I decided to take a look back and see where I was 10 years ago.

THEN

The 2003-04 school year. I was a 20-year old junior in college at Allegheny, living in an off-campus house with some of my best friends. I was working on completing the requirements for my Political Science major and Black Studies minor, as well as starting to think about comping in the fall. I was taking five classes (20 credits) that semester, instead of standard four (16 credits), so by the end of it, I was ready to shoot myself or someone else.

NOW

I'm 30, have a BA in Political Science and a MS in Sport Management, and work as an event planner for a national non-profit.

THEN
I would have starved to death before I went and ate by myself at school. I wouldn't say I had social anxiety as defined by a licensed medical professional or WebMD, but, yeah. Going anywhere alone was torture for me, I would never have dreamt of eating alone.

NOW

Graduating from Allegheny was so hard because for four glorious years, I lived in a bubble where my closest friends were within a five-minute walk from me 95% of the time. After we graduated, everyone was spread out all over the place and my social safety net was gone.

I'm not sure why or how, but during grad school, I kicked the social fear thing and started doing everything by myself. Studied, went to the gym, went to dinner, got my nails done, went shopping. I certainly wasn't lonely, but if I needed or wanted to do something and no one was around to accompany me, I went anyway.

I've gone to hockey games, the movies, dinner, happy hour, the theater, you name it - all by myself. That might not seem like a big deal to some people, but knowing what I was like just 10 years ago, it's huge.

THEN

My nephews had just turned two years old.

NOW

My nephews just turned 12, and now I have three more nieces! What a difference 10 years makes, eh?

THEN

Kitty was 10-years old and still the sassiest animal I knew. He was not shy about making it known that he ruled the house and anyone that did not meet his approval was notified by a pile of poop. I mean that literally. If someone was over that he didn't like, he'd poop on the floor; it never failed. He was 100% litter-trained, but he was also wise enough to voice his displeasure when he was less than satisfied.

Kitty was the best. He slept with me every night, and if I wasn't in bed by 9:30 or 10, he would go up to my room and meow angrily until I came upstairs. He honestly had more personality than a lot of people I know and was most faithful friend.

NOW



I unfortunately had to put Kitty to sleep three years ago, and it was really hard for me for awhile. I knew that I would want another cat, but my heart still hurt, and I just wasn't ready. I'm getting choked up as I write this, because I miss him every day. However, I have another furry ray of sunshine in my life and I love him to pieces.

My brother got me Miikka James Kittensoff for my 30th birthday, and right from the start, he's been the sweetest little cuddle bug. I got him from a shelter, and all four pounds of him was a purring machine as soon as I picked him up out of his cage.

He purrs as much as ever, and is super vocal. It honestly feels like you can have a conversation with him because he chirps and meows in response almost all of the time, which often provides much-needed comic relief.

He's going to be a big boy and weighs almost 10 pounds now. His favorite thing to do is tear up paper, cardboard, or Styrofoam, which I have never seen a cat do. Sometimes I feel like I live with a smelly little toddler. He gets into everything, isn't too fond of baths, loves to wake me up early, and has the attention span of a fruit fly. I love him to pieces and he's always happy to see me when I get home.

I also have a second cat, Rosie. Kitty would have NEVER allowed another animal in the house. Like I said, he ruled the house; he was king and we were simply his unworthy subjects.

Rosie is a sweet girl I rescued from outside, and she is BFFs with Miikka. Just like a little boy, Miikka doesn't always understand how to be gentle and play nicely, so he sometimes has a problem with roughhousing and overzealousness, but Rosie takes it in stride. She's definitely the ying to his yang.



THEN

Looking back, I can't believe I kept my feelings for B. so hidden, as if they were a closely guarded secret. I'm pretty sure everyone, including him, knew how I felt. I could have saved myself years of mental anguish by saying how I felt. Instead, I held it all in, and pretended that I was okay with the way things were, when in actuality, I wasn't.

At that point in time, I'm pretty sure we weren't speaking to each other. I'm trying to remember what is was that we were fighting about that time, but, for the life of me, I can't remember. S H O C K E R. Why are young adults so crazy? If I can't remember, I'm sure it must have been pretty minor. Why did I not realize that a relationship this drama-filled was not worth pursuing, let alone holding on to for the next 10 years?

NOW

I told B. how I felt several months ago, and even though it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times, I've never felt so good. My heart feels so much lighter and I'm no longer sad because of the "what ifs" I was carrying around. My only regret was that I didn't tell him years ago.

Ten years ago, I couldn't imagine what it would be like being a 30-year old. I had this grand plan of being married by 25 and having a child at 30. I can honestly say that I'm happy that none of that has happened yet, because I'm perfectly happy getting to know myself and experiencing things I would otherwise be unable to if I had a family. Maybe I'll be married by 35? Who knows. What I do know, however, is life keeps getting better and I like that a lot.

Why I'm Sad: An Update - Part 1

The day I wrote my Who I Am post ended up feeling like a marathon therapy session (I've never actually been to therapy, but I've thought about it, which is a topic for another time). I was so emotionally drained and craving a glass of wine. However, it felt really good to write those things out. It almost felt like a much-needed journal entry, except, it was on the internet, accessible by anyone.

Among the things I am was sad about was being in love with the same person for over 10 years. If you don't know the back story, that probably seemed really bizarre. At that point, I was so emotionally drained, I didn't have the energy to elaborate. I have an update and will now tell you the back story. If you're still reading, grab yourself a couple of coffee and come along with me on a journey back to 2002...

I had met B. when he visited Allegheny on a football recruiting trip. I was a 18 and a freshman in college, he had just turned 18 and was a senior in high school. I don't remember much about that night, because it was February 2002, not to mention the annual Mardi Gras party at the football house and the guys made sure my cup of jungle juice was never empty. I basically remember my outfit, lots of fog, making out with my crush, and meeting B., who just so happened to be my crush's recruit.

I had heard about B. even before I saw him that night. In college and grad school, I had a very distinct type, and B. was it to a tee. More than one of my friends IMed me and said, "Have you seen C.R.'s recruit?! You're going to love him!" I was already so excited for this party (and my outfit), so this was just icing on the cake.

I still remember what B. was wearing that night: A blue Gap hoodie and jeans. I can see him standing near the basement stairs, where I smiled and drunkenly slurred, "Hey, what's up?," plain as day.

I woke up the next morning with a killer hangover, bruises from falling into a cement pole, and a tinge of sadness, because I thought for sure I'd never see that gorgeous guy again.

Fast forward a few months to October 2002. I was having lunch with my roommate and her boyfriend and he said to me, "You know, you could do a lot better than C.R., he's kind of a dick. How about that B. kid, he's a solid guy?" Just as he said that, B. came walking down the stairs into Brooks Dining Hall and I stopped dead in my tracks; there he was. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. With my mouth agape, my eyes followed him as he walked in and got his tray. At that point, my body somehow managed to start moving and I was heading toward the tray return area when our eyes locked. I think love at first sight is pretty bogus, but when he winked at me and gave me a head nod, I was a goner.

Over the next few weeks, a crazy friend did some detective work, found his AIM screen name and we started talking. Even though this was nearly 11 years ago, I still remember it all so vividly. Being in my dorm room (281 Walker Annex), the way my desk was setup, sitting on AIM in the dark until the wee hours of the morning talking about nothing at all, and everything at the same time. I wish I hadn't taken those days, or my four years of college for granted. We don't realize how good our lives are then (I'm really getting off track here). Anywho....

Over the next three years, our relationship was pretty tumultuous. When it was good, it was really good. When it was bad, we wouldn't speak to each other for six months. One of our silent periods was jealousy-fueled. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out why I stopped talking to him junior year when we had a class together. I still can't remember, but I do remember how he would stare at me from across the table our study group had commandeered in the library, while I tried to actively pretend he wasn't there. As you can see, we were really good at being mature. Looking back, that was all foreshadowing of our post-college relationship.

Through all of the madness, even when I hated his guts, I still loved him. However, I would never admit that to his face, even when he asked. Part of it was because I was afraid I'd lose him all together if I confessed how I felt, but looking back, I know the bigger reason is because I wasn't ready. After my dad died, I learned to not talk about my feelings because I wanted to stay strong for my mom. Naturally, when my brother or I got sad, so did she. My solution was to put forward a strong facade and not talk about how I felt. I know now that wasn't healthy, and led to me having a really difficult time discussing my feelings. As I've gotten older, though, I've made a point to actively work through that, so it keeps getting easier.

As my last semester was winding down, I was not only sad about leaving my friends and a college community I loved, but I was leaving B., with so much unresolved. I thought for sure that once I left Allegheny, I would never see or hear from him again. By the time I graduated, he was seeing someone else and the friendship we once had was all but gone. There was no animosity, but we barely talked outside of class.

To be continued....